I am my own nightmare
by Miranda Nickolas
Summary: Non-DH compliant. After Harry is charged by Dumbledore to destroy the Horcruxes, what happens when he decides to go it alone? I do suck at summaries, meant to be a one shot but is now going to be longer. Rated M for later chapters


Disclaimer: I own nothing, nor do I pretend to. All rights belong to their original owners.

This is an non-DH compliant. Turning out to be longer than what I wanted for a one shot. Thank you all for your support.

AN: Thank you to Bunnies who informed me that my story loaded with an obscene amount of underlining.

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Ch. 1 - Summer Blues

Dragging himself into the wards of 12 Grimwauld Place, a tired green eyed boy came to rest on the hard, unforgiving floor. It had been a long 4 weeks, hunting down those hidden treasures of Voldemort had been more dangerous than even he had anticipated. The first had been easy enough to figure out. Salazaar's locket had already been found the summer before when they had been cleaning out Grimwauld place with Sirus_. __Sirus_, the name itself still hurt even in his thoughts. Many nights had been spent in horror trapped in a loop, watching the people important to him die. Sirus, Cedric, Dumbledore. They had all risked their lives to help him and all they had gotten in return was an untimely death, leaving a bitter guilt in their wake. Unfortunately, one boy had been the sole inheritor of the guilt, the weight of the Wizarding world and this poor sole was named the savior of them all. Harry Potter was indeed having one rough summer.

Helga's Cup, Salazaar's locket, Marvolo's ring, Riddle's journal had been the easiest so far. Rowena's items was still a mystery, however Harry had a sinking idea as to what was Godric's While Nagini looked suspicious, Harry had come to believe that it was out of necessity that the snake had been around the Dark Lord for so long. Pulling himself up, Harry made his way to the kitchen and the small store of food he kept. Eating what little he needed to keep his body functioning, he moved to the table and began scourging through the notes he had made, all the possibilities and the history of what happened to Tom Riddle after he left Hogwarts. Pulling out his copy of Hogwarts: A History, Harry leafed through the worn pages until he reached the section on the founders. Settling in he began to read about Rowena until the early hours of the morning. Setting aside the book he made his way to the couch and fell into a restless sleep for a few precious hours.

"Harry… Harry can you hear me?" Shooting up out of his position he grabbed the necklace hanging around his neck. "Sirius?! Sirius?!" He stared into the reflective mirror that hung around his neck permanently. Everyday he wore it, never believing that a man like Sirius Black could ever be gone. "Harry? Harry James Potter where are you?" The voice floated down the hall and sadly Harry got to his feet. Moving in front of the fireplace, he sat down to the side and leaned against it for support.

"What is it Hermione?"

"Harry, I really don't know why you'll only allow people to talk. For goodness sake at least allow me to see you if you won't let us Floo." Sighing, the voice of his former best friend seemed tired and worn. "You can't hide from us Harry, let us help."

"We've been over this 'Mione. I'm already close to being finished. I appreciate all you and Ron have done but I refuse you let you be dragged into this. Please just leave me alone." With that he scattered the last of the ashes in the fireplace and left, ignoring the whispered pleas. Harry made his way into the bathroom and took care of the necessary duties. As he stepped out of the shower, he flinched at the figure that stared back at him in the mirror. He was so very thin now. All the muscles from his Quidditch days had long left him as well as the sickly shade his skin had from malnourishment. His normally unruly hair hung limp and straight, a drastic contrast from what it once had been. Perhaps the most unnerving feature was his eyes. The brightness had all but gone out, leaving behind dull, flat orbs. He pulled on his pants and moved to grab his shirt when the silent alarms went off.

Running down the stairs two at a time, Harry ran to the front door with wand raised and aimed at the very tired figures of Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy. Without a word, Snape held out a book to Harry. Harry took it cautiously and without moving his wand, opened and scanned the inside. A moment passed and he nodded, turning to leave when Draco collapsed to the ground, his face flushed and his robe open to reveal a bloody trail down his shirt.

"Severus, you should have come sooner. I knew more than you gave me credit for."

"I doubt that Harry, it wasn't until Dumbledore's Portrait told you that you actually knew. Am I right?"

"I had it mostly worked out, but his portrait did put a few pieces together for me. Now come on. Help me lay this drama queen on the sofa."

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Hazy figures swam in front of his vision as Draco struggled to make his way into consciousness. The pain in his shoulder had become a dull throb and though it hurt, he could move it once again. The cutting curse had nearly sliced him in half as they ran through the back alleys of muggle London. For weeks now they had given up their wands and had been forced to live without magic. All of their efforts helped for a while, but hiding without the luxuries he had once possessed began to take their toll on Draco. Even after their supplies began to dwindle, Draco stayed quiet and went without when Severus wasn't looking. Finally passing a fruit vendor just the day before, Draco stopped and stared longingly at the ripe strawberries proudly displayed. He snapped and ran up, snatching a small handful and made to run off when the owner grabbed him. Hysterical, the blonde began to plead with the man, making promises his father would reward him handsomely.

Unfortunately for Draco, in his hysterics he dropped the name of his father and a Deatheater on patrol overheard him. Draco saw the flash of light and the curse barely in time to avoid being Crucio'd. He ran as fast as he could, dodging and waiting in the shadows until he felt safe to continue. Once he reached Severus they made their way leaving anything they had behind. They were halfway across London when a Deatheater apparated behind them and fired the horrible curse at Draco. That's when Snape grabbed him for a side-along apparition and Draco had passed out from it all.

Running a hand through is hair, he sat up gently and took in his surroundings. Admittedly he had been in better places, but after his last residence it felt like a palace. He put his hands into his pockets and was shocked when his fingers touched soft fruit. He pulled the stolen strawberries out of his pockets and fell to the floor weeping. That's the scene that Harry and Severus saw when they made their way downstairs.

Rushing over Severus knelt by the boy and shook him gently, "Draco? Draco? Are you alright? What's wrong?"

"Look Severus, these. These are why this all happened. I nearly got us killed for these!" In a fit a rage, he threw the beautiful pieces of fruit across the room towards the wall.

Harry's heart fluttered for a moment after hearing the confession and he held out his hand as the fruit made their way to the wall and summoned them to himself. Conjuring a bowl, he walked back down the hall and into the kitchen to rinse them off. After a moment of hesitation, he made a pot of tea and took it out into the living room.

Draco looked up as someone stepped into the room and was surprised to find that it was Harry Potter. Harry it seemed, was worse for ware. Thin, so much more thinner than he had ever been back at Hogwarts, though the longer and more tame hair was a vast improvement from before. Harry looked like he hadn't slept for weeks and barely ate, he looked horrible. _Though, _Draco mused, _I must look even worse than that._

"Potter." He kept his tone neutral as he greeted the dark haired boy.

"Malfoy." Harry kept his tone as calm as the Slytherin had.

He ushered them both to chairs, Severus to a large comfy chair and Draco to the couch. After a moment it came to everyone's attention that Draco was pushing his limits by sitting up on his own. Harry moved over to him and arranged the pillows before all but forcing the blonde to lay down and relax.

He heard the whistle blow and he left before returning a few minuets later with a tray. As he set it down they saw that he had a fresh pot of tea, sugar and a bowl filled with the strawberries Draco had taken. He left them for a moment and returned with a very dingy looking glass of water. He sat in a chair furthest from them but still included in case the conversation called for it.

Both Draco and Severus looked from the tea, to Harry and back. Severus wasted no time in pouring himself a cup of the rich liquid, relishing in the luxury he had been sadly denied. Draco still felt uneasy when Harry wasn't even looking at the tea himself. Ignoring the suspicious thoughts in his head, he reached out and made a cup for himself. Sipping at the liquid, Draco nearly moaned out loud at the taste that had been long forgotten.

"Who knew you could make such great tea Potter?" He smiled slightly at the brunette an expression of thanks on his face.

"You just be lucky there was some tea in the kitchen. I usually don't keep anything in there." Harry had sipped about ¼ of the water before putting it down and looking queasy. _Oh I think I overdid it. I don't think I should have had that much water._

Turning a slightly pale color, (if that's even possible) he excused himself and made his way to the bathroom before emptying his stomach. He returned a minute later looking much worse but he was glad to have emptied his stomach.

As he stepped into the room he found Draco dividing the fruit between them. He had claimed 2 pieces for both him and Severus, leaving one for Harry as an afterthought.

_After all he did help us, even though he didn't have to. I should be at least thankful for that._ Draco sighed wistfully at the last strawberry and when he noticed Harry he sat up and offered it to him.

"Here." Harry looked at the beautiful fruit offered to him and outright refused as his stomach revolted at the mere thought of something so sweet inside it.

"No thanks, Malfoy."

"What afraid of strawberries? I know for a fact Potter you like them." He smirked, proud that he did remember some things from Hogwarts that did not include things to torment him by.

"Not anymore Malfoy. I can't eat it." He turned back and slumped in his chair.

Rolling his eyes, he moved over to the brunette. By hell he would make him eat it one way or another. Sitting down in his lap, he shoved the piece of fruit into the boy's mouth as he gasped.

_Malfoy just sat on my lap and fed me a strawberry. Draco Malfoy just_… before his mind could think of anything else the taste of the strawberry hit and he dumped the blonde onto the floor before bolting to the kitchen.

Severus had been surprised to say the least. No only had his godson attempted to be friendly to the boy who lived, he seemed to try to get more cozy than that. As soon as he saw the boy pop the fruit in his mouth, he laughed silently. _Of course, _he thought, _A Malfoy always gets what he wants._ Just then Harry made a dash to the kitchen and Severus pondered for a minute if something was amiss. He nodded to Draco and they followed into the other room.

The kitchen hardly looked like it was used for anything. Cupboards were barren and the icebox looked like it had broken years before. There wasn't really a trace of food besides a half stale loaf of bread on the counter, small wedge of hard cheese and the small container of tea that sat next to the stove.

Looking around Severus began to wonder what exactly Harry ate. Seeing no boxes or grocery items of any kind, his mind began to put everything together.

"Harry how long have you been starving yourself?

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Harry fought to keep his body under control. Emptying his stomach the first time took a lot out of him. It wasn't that he didn't like strawberries, oh no. He loved strawberries, as much if not more than the Slytherin Ice Prince himself. For Harry though, he had been without sweet or rich foods since he left Hogwarts and his stomach almost couldn't handle it.

Regaining his composure he stood and looked his former Potions professor straight in the eye.

"I'm not starving myself, _Sir._ I eat enough to stay alive and keep my strength. I simply don't find it necessary to splurge on certain foods that are good for nothing but taste."

Harry groaned as he slid to the floor holding his stomach and barely keeping the sweet fruit down.

"Rooms are upstairs. You two can stay here as long as you need, just don't go outside without me. Especially you Malfoy. They're wanting you the most. Severus, I need to inform one person that you two are here. He's the only one of the Order that I trust completely. He'll probably arrive within the hour."

Nodding, Severus helped the boy to his feet and steered him back to the front room.

Stoking the fire, Harry threw a pinch of floo powder into the ashes.

"Remus Lupin."

"Harry? Oh thank the stars, it is you pup."

"Yes Remus. I have a couple of guests that we've been expecting for a while. I think it would be best if you came over as quickly as possible."

"Are you sure Harry?"

Glancing back at the blonde and the concerned expression the blonde was showing just made Harry's resolve harden more.

"Yes Remus. I'm definitely sure."

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True to his word, Remus showed up barely a half hour later. He had all his things with him and as soon as he made it into the house he sent them upstairs to unpack themselves.

"Harry? Pup? Where are you?"

Before he had a chance to say anymore Severus appeared and motioned for him to come over.

"At the moment he's sleeping. I'm surprised he has the strength to do anything other than that." The Potions teacher ran his hand through his hair which now hung limp and wet from the shower he had taken. At the moment, said shower was occupied by Draco who was relishing in being completely clean and not having to rush through it.

The wolf leaned in and laid his head on the taller man's shoulder. He hadn't seen Severus in a few months, since before the attack on Hogwarts but it hadn't changed anything. He knew of the deception that Severus had to play even before he became a spy, before Potions Master, before the war. Remus had known Severus when the Marauders were at their worst, yet despite their horrible backgrounds Severus treated him with the utmost respect when he began teaching at Hogwarts. He even went at far to compliment the werewolf taking a stand and teaching despite what he went through every full moon, or worse what everyone would say when they found out about the lycanthrope. When Sirius came back, Remus had shared months of blissful happiness with the ragged man, but after he fell through the veil it left the man with an unbearable loss. Severus had been there to pick up the pieces and help the broken man to become whole again. Now after all this time, Remus had fallen in love with the snaky professor.

As Draco made his way down the stairs, he noticed that Professor Lupin had appeared at Grimwauld Place. Pausing on the steps, he gave a soft smile at the picture of the two men holding each other softly. He was happy that his godfather had finally found someone to care for him, even if it was Professor Lupin. After a moment, he continued a little more noisily down the stairs, giving the two enough time to regain their composure.

"Well Professor, I must say, I didn't quite expect seeing you here to join us in our imprisonment and solitude." The blonde smiles hesitantly and held his hand out to the older wizard.

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I've decided to stop there for now, this had originally meant to be a one shot, but with three horcruxes to destroy it looks like it might take longer.

Thank you all and please don't forget to review ^-^ Reviews make me happy.


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